It's been a wonderful two months after the wedding. It was Vier's birthday yesterday. I am deliriously happy. And now I'm wondering if happiness causes writer's block.
When I had wallowed in sadness I would find any excuse to write it down. When I felt despair, stabs in the heart over anything, I would write it down. But now, I simply relish the moment. I don't turn to my journal-of-the moment anymore before the thought escapes me. I hang on to the thought and meander and then it's the next day and the mundane takes over.
In the morning, sometimes, the feeling of desperation is there and all I can do is ask for strength, for courage. Questions on: what now? where are you really going? what do you really want to do with the rest of your life?
Those are the thoughts that make me pause, that make me consider writing it down. But then the moment is lost becase the shower has to be taken, breakfast has to be eaten, work has to be done.
I realize that I will go back to that stage of solitude, those five years before my marriage. That is my essence and being part of a couple will not change that. I will enter death alone. I will suffer more because I have loved more. These shadows haunt the pure sunshine of my honeymoon.
No, happiness doesn't cause writer's block. Happiness is part of the life that is necessary to write, no matter how much it will contrast with the darkness and necessity of sadness and loss.